You know that genre of non-fiction known as the unauthorized biography? As I stared at last week’s FEI announcement (which was released with a smirk and the sound of hands dusting each other off), in which it was explained why we will hear no more about the Marmoog horse swapping scandal, I realized that what we really need are  unauthorized FEI press releases. And who better to start writing them than yours truly?

I hereby bring to you the first ever unauthorized FEI press release, in which are expressed all the things that were not stated in the ‘official and authorized’ announcement of last week, but which some of us have read between those innocent-sounding lines:

FEI STATEMENT ON TOTALLY BOGUS INVESTIGATION INTO 2012 FEI WORLD ENDURANCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

 The FEI has announced today that, following completion of a lip-service investigation into allegations of a switch of horses for the 2012 FEI World Endurance Championships in Euston Park (GBR), no legal action will be taken for political reasons and due to the complete denial that widely published photos of two entirely different horses, competing as the same one named Marmoog, constitute conclusive evidence. The FEI has elected not to mention the name of the  leader of the investigation, since it wishes to draw no more unwanted attention to the deeply dubious circumstance that saw Lord Stevens and his company Quest in charge of the investigation; Lord Stevens was concurrently in the service of both the FEI and the father of Sheikh Hamdan, Sheikh Mohammed. Not only was the Lord in the employ of these conflicting parties, his investigations were for connected matters to do with cheating and Endurance.

Following receipt of the findings of the ‘investigation’ last month, the FEI has now evaluated the legal and procedural aspects of the case and it has become clear that, under imaginative interpretation of the rules applicable at the time of the incident in 2012, essential escape hatches from accountability can be found. Without legal proceedings being initiated within the specified timelines and through the correct channels (because the FEI always places procedure above its so-called first principles of horse welfare and fair play), the FEI has discovered the means to lift up its very large purple carpet and sweep this unpleasant matter back where it belongs, and where it is kept company by a mounting number of scandals that inconveniently implicate the family of the FEI President.

“It is very disappointing that it took such a long time to come to this conclusion”, FEI Secretary General Ingmar De Vos said, “but this thorough investigation has allowed us to identify some loopholes [this quote has not been adjusted by me; there is no need] in our own procedures with regard to the identification of horses through microchips and documents such as FEI passports, recognition cards and duplicates. I have asked our Legal Department to look at our procedures to identify how we can avoid similar issues occurring in the future.”  Mr. de Vos makes this statement with a completely straight face, and with no apparent awareness that as the Secretary General of an international sporting body, another man in his shoes might feel a measure of shame and embarrassment after openly admitting that the organization’s level of dysfunction is so high that cheating of this magnitude will go unpunished.

Prior to receiving the final report, the FEI had already initiated a detailed review of its administrative processes, (just in case Lord Stevens wasn’t able to produce the belated, but desired loopholes) putting mechanisms in place that now provide much greater control over the registration and identification of horses. Further proposed changes to the Veterinary Regulations to improve traceability and accurate verification of horses’ identity will be voted on at next month’s FEI General Assembly. These new regulations will have absolutely no influence on future outcomes, since it has always been a rule that you can’t swap horses out at FEI events; the rot isn’t in the rules, it’s in the failure of the FEI to ensure that they are honestly, consistently and competently applied.

The FEI is to conduct a full review of its legal system in 2015, including its rules and sanctions. Proposals for change will go to the FEI Bureau for consideration prior to being voted on by the National Federations at the 2015 FEI General Assembly. The National Federations, except for a few brave swimmers-against-the-current such as the Dutch and Swiss, will vote on these regulations exactly as they are told to vote by whoever is elected into the President’s seat by that same process in December 2014.